Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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