how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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