If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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