There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
