I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
