Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
