Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You've changed since you got that strap on
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
