life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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