everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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