i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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