I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
