I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
