i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
