I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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