I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
