I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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