btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
