They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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