Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Randomize
