I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
