I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
