Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
