direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
