dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
