the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
