so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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