There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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