just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
