I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
