I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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