i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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