Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I could fuck to npr.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
