The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
