and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
