my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
