I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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