You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
