dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
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What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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