Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
