new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.