Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.