So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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