Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
