Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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