The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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