I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
