You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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