Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
