Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
