I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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