dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Everything about him screamed your future.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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