Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
