my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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