I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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