Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
