Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
