Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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