Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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